


You Said No

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Drama, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-10
Updated: 2006-03-10
Packaged: 2019-02-02 12:17:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12726459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: I asked if you thought I was handsome, you said no.





	You Said No

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: A walk in the minds of two confused men and if you don't think that's scary.  
Thanks to my Beta, Gateroller!  


* * *

~ I asked if you thought I was handsome, you said no ~

He seemed to enjoy making fun of me, telling jokes at my expense, saddling me with innumerable nicknames. I was the geek, book-boy, plant-boy, the infamous spacemonkey and a score other playful epithets. Oh, I didn't let it get to me. Except for that very first time, during the original mission when Jack coined the term geek for me, though there was never any malice. It had developed into an affectionate game he played and everyone, up to and including the general, smiled knowing he was my friend.

Yes, he was my friend and I knew he liked me, after all he called me his best friend but did he _like_ me. You know, like _that_. I wasn't normally a vain man but I wanted him to admire me, admire everything about me. Including how I looked, how it made him feel when he looked at me.

When I looked at him, I mean _really_ looked - took in his brilliant eyes, his rakish smile, and that silver hair I longed to feel under my fingertips - my heart raced. Then, as my eyes drifted down his body, all lean lines, angles and curves in just the right places, I got hot under the collar and certain parts of my anatomy chose not to listen to me when I insisted they behave and lie still.

I wanted so much for him to feel that way about me but all he ever did was smile, call me affectionate names and ruffle my hair. I might as well be his pet dog!

~ I asked if you wanted to be with me forever, you said no ~

I could hardly believe it. A short while ago I thought my dream had finally come true. Jack had been well and truly out of his head on PS9 when at last he'd admitted he had feelings for me. His defences had been down, lowered by the fever and he had leaned against me, smiled and told me he loved me. I assumed at first he was talking of his love for his friend. No, no, he'd said, frustrated. It was more, much more than for just a friend, even a best friend. He was in love with me. Slowly, with difficulty, he raised a hand and caressed my cheek. He smiled and slipped into unconsciousness.

Speechless I stared, shocked and delighted.

When he regained consciousness in the infirmary he had no memory of the last few minutes before he'd succumbed. I knew the truth now though and determined that neither of us should lose our chance at happiness through fear of admitting our feelings, I decided to confront Jack as soon as he was sent home.

Now I was standing outside his door, shocked and hurt. Not because he had denied the truth when I told him what he had said. No, he had looked upset, sad and I couldn't understand why. He enlightened me. He was a career officer and I was a member of his team, under his direct command. It would be breaking all the rules and he couldn't do that, not even for me. And that wasn't even touching don't ask, don't tell!

I was upset. Damn it I was angry! I was disappointed... Was this the man I had fallen in love with? The man who would piss in the wind and face death rather than kneel to a false god? Even with all of that, he was still afraid to break a few senseless rules?

~ I asked if I walked away would you cry, you said no ~

He was on medical leave for a few days to recover and Hammond put the whole team on downtime while Jack recovered. The first couple of days I stayed away. I was too angry to see him. The more I thought about his words, the angrier I became. I would give up everything for him; whatever it took for us to be together I would do it. Was I worth so little that he wouldn't even bend the rules, rules I know he didn't approve of?

Eventually the anger turned to bitterness and I needed an answer. I went to see him.

He invited me in but I sensed he didn't really want me there. We talked round and round in circles getting nowhere. This time however, it was different. Usually when we had a disagreement we were both passionate, yelling, waving arms about. We were famous at the SGC for our arguments. People got out of the way and just let us get on with it, knowing that it was our friendship that fuelled the disagreements. It was difficult to be that free, that open with someone you _don't_ care about.

That day, he was cold, distant. The passion was missing.

That was the beginning of the end. He never denied he loved me, he just showed me he could keep it under control and had no intention of acting on it. He was my C.O., he protected me, helped me perform the best job I could but the connection that made us special, made us able to work miracles was gone.

I wanted my friend back but he was in hiding - and it was killing me.

~ I told you I couldn't bear this hurt anymore and started to walk away ~

I persevered for months, kept hoping he would relent. I'd forgotten how strong willed Jack was. I could see he was hurting too. Most of the SGC knew, of course, that something was wrong between us. We no longer had blazing rows.

No, that isn't exactly true, we still had arguments but now there was a bitter cold fury about Jack as he snapped off his answers at me. The general often had a frown these days during our briefings and even Sam and Teal'c no longer tried to intervene. They couldn't understand what was happening to the team.

Today I decided I'd had enough. I finally accepted that I couldn't win. Jack was not going to back down. He loved me but not enough. By staying I was only going to destroy the man who still meant more to me than anyone, anything else in my world.

He loved his job and wanted it more than me, so I would let him have it, in peace.

I went to his house one last time. I owed him that. I almost went to the general and resigned. That had been my original intention, to simply resign and leave but then I realised I owed to myself to be honest and tell him why I was leaving, that he hadn't succeeded in destroying my feelings for him but I could no longer stay. I couldn't fight him anymore. He had won!

~ You grabbed my arm and said you're not handsome, you're beautiful ~

Won! He thought I'd won. Damn him, didn't he understand. I lost the day I accidentally told him how I felt. I lost the best friend I ever had and I wanted him back so badly it hurt. I'd tried to push him away and I should've known better.

There was no one more stubborn than my Daniel. Oh god, I still think of him like that. Why did I have to fall in love with him? I laughed at myself for that stupid question. How could I not fall for him? He was the most gorgeous, the most annoying, and the most passionately caring man I had ever met in my life. It's surprising it took me as long as it did to acknowledge that I was head over heels in love with him.

Not that I would ever have told him. True, I never realised that he was gay or that he could ever return my feelings. I knew he cared for me as a friend but that was as far as I thought it went until that day he came to see me and told me what I had said in that fevered haze.

I could have lied to him of course, denied that I meant it, put it down to delirious meanderings. The trouble was when he told me he felt the same my first reaction was joy. It was only later I realised how dangerous it was, not for me, for him; on missions because if I allowed myself to become distracted by my feelings for him I would no longer be performing my duties properly. Didn't he understand that my most important duty was to protect him? There was also the more insidious danger of anyone on base suspecting that he and I might have something between us. I wasn't concerned for myself, no one would be stupid enough to try and take me on, except Hammond, but Daniel? He would be a prime target for some of the more Neanderthal type species we have wondering around down there.

I had thought at one time about asking him to wait for me until I retired. I shelved that plan though. I had no idea when that might be; the war with the Goa'uld wasn't winding down any time soon, it was escalating. I had no right to ask him to wait and why would he anyway? I still didn't know what he saw in this old warhorse anyway when he could have anyone he wanted. I thought - obviously I greatly misjudged him - that he would get tired of me and tell me to fuck off and go and find himself somebody more suited to him. I kept having visions - waking nightmares - of him with someone like Paul Davis.

Instead he stayed and fought with me, damn him he fought _for_ me and I was trapped in an ever-decreasing circle of my own making.

~ I don't want to be with you forever. I need to be with you forever ~

He got to his feet and was walking to my front door. Well O'Neill this is it. You either let the best thing that had ever happened to you walk out that door or you tell him the truth. The truth that he was the most important thing in your life and you would do whatever the hell it took to keep him beside you.

Time to stop hiding.

I called to him, asked him to stay but he said there was no point; there was nothing else to say. He could no longer watch his life crumble, this time he would walk away first.

Please, I begged him, don't go. I told him I did what I thought was best for him.

His mouth dropped open in shock. _Best for me! he yelled, best to tear my heart from my chest and stomp all over it._

What could I say to that?

I'm sorry didn't sound remotely good enough, did it?

~ and if you walked away I wouldn't cry, I'd die ~

I slumped in my chair and let him rant at me. It seemed I'd caused him to open the floodgates and now he couldn't stop. He paced up and down in front of me, calling me a few choice names. I deserved every one and probably quite a few more too.

Eventually Daniel collapsed in the chair opposite, emotionally exhausted.

After a few moments when I thought - I hoped - he had calmed down, I began to speak. Slowly, carefully. I told him I'd never stopped loving him, I loved him more each day and the more I loved him the more I needed to protect him. The more I needed to be the Colonel.

He sighed in frustration. I told him I couldn't bear for him to leave and as much as it would kill me if I let him down on a mission and he were hurt - or god forbid - died under my command, it would just be a slower, more lingering death if he walked out of my life.

He stared at me, seeing me perhaps for the first time that evening. He had been so upset, so angry I don't think he really saw _me_.

I stood and moved to kneel at his feet. I looked up at him. I smiled at little, it was probably a sad smile; I felt sad. I told him I had thought about retiring to be with him but I was afraid that he would still want to go through the gate with another C.O. and I admitted I couldn't bear the thought of that. It had to be _me_ ; I _needed_ it to be me who looked out for him.

Then I dropped my head, took a breath and looked at him again. I told him then that whatever he wanted me to do I would. Whatever it took to keep him with me I would do because without him I'd wither and die.

Slowly he smiled at me and said it was simple. Didn't I realise we had already been doing what was right? Before that day, that fateful day when I'd opened up to him, I was already in love with him, whether he'd known it or not, I had. He told me that was what I should have done, just what I always had.

He had always had a special place on the team and he knew it. He understood it was just our duty - my duty - to look out for him as the civilian on the team. Nothing had changed except my attitude to my duty.

I stared at him. How could I have been so stupid? He was right. Well, for crying out loud, of course he was, he was always right. That was _my_ Daniel!

I could say it now, to myself, to _him_ , for it was true. So I did.

FIN


End file.
